Taking The Reins

Richard Dunwoody

The spaces and communities we frequent in youth can shape our perspective and behavior in adulthood. Social environments like school are extraordinarily formative in how we're perceived by others, in turn influencing how we view and interact with the world. The air tight ecosystem school provides might be a sample size in the grand scheme of things, however, impactful environments from youth can define us if we allow them to. The one environment that's more influential than school is family. Lessons from family dynamics are perhaps the most damning, as what's taught can sneak its way into our behavioral routine and belief system. That's why I believe at some point in our life, it's important to take the reins.

Family is an interesting social ecosystem. From our youngest age, most people are taught what their parents/guardians think is correct. It's a natural process so there's no reason to vilify the fact. Of course there's nuance because some people have terrible judgement and choose to teach bigotry amongst other less than ideal beliefs. Whether reckless or benign, parents/guardians will teach us what they know, and it's up to us to pick and choose with age what to keep and throw away.

Luckily I grew up in a favorable family environment, but these rules still apply to me. I still had to weed out what I felt didn't define me, even if my own parents loved it for themselves. Some might make the argument that they're fine with their proximity to the entirerty of their family's beliefs and behaviors. That's cool, but I think to truly know you're ok with it you need to challenge it. What authority figures teach us isn't law by any means. The tricky bit about all this is how trust and admiration for authority figures, can lead down a path devoid of critically thinking about your system of beliefs. I can't stress enough how I'm not making an argument against parenting. I'm simply trying to stress the ease of indoctrination.

Everyone's heard the famous words: "That's just how I was raised." When I hear that phrase it feels like I'm talking to someone who hasn't critically thought about their beliefs and how they came to be. Beliefs taught to us by family aren't necessarily a bad thing, but if you can't identify why you align with a train of thought, you might be more lost than you think. In this moment I'm reminded of my time in Lubbock when I had friends who were... less than progressive. I would get into spirited arguments with these guys about anything, but typically the conversations were centered around race or socioeconomics. Far too often I was essentially told I was talking to a legacy republican. These guys had generations of conservative family members; ultimately instilling a sense of pride and meaning with aligence to their beliefs. It doesn't matter if they haven't critically thought about their beliefs, so long as they have social capital within their family system. In other words they aren't incentivized to think differently.

Expectations and reward systems are factors that incentivize conformity if I'm being frank. Pressures to assimilate still persist in family systems. Most families have a set of values/expectations for themselves. Sometimes their values lie in GPA, hard work, and competition. Other times it's a hyper fixation on performing gender roles or a reverence for their religion. To some these might not seem like the harshest set of values, however, falling short of those standards can cause resentment. All too often we hear of the person who grew out of religion and had to distance themselves from family, or those who're queer but their family can't handle the truth. Stepping out of line can make the family uncomfortable as a unit. Thus, creating a black sheep in a sense because in their eyes you can't stay on the same page. So, some people play the game as to "protect" their family... from themselves? The point is assimilation exists in families as well, and moving out of line can be more severe than it needs to be. I believe that's why reward systems are a key element to keep kids in line.

There's so much nuance behind reward systems but I want to focus on the thin line between intentional and unintentional praise. I have an old friend whose name I'm choosing to omit from this blog entry, we'll call him Eugene. Eugene grew up in a family of covert racists (in public at least) the entire time we were friends he struggled with the idea of being racist himself, constantly asking me if I thought he was racist. Of course I told him he was because I won't be the negro who tries to ease the guilt of a white man. Every story I heard made it sound like he lived in a house of righteous bigotry. I truly cannot imagine what it's like to live in a space where I'm being applauded for being from the "superior" race. Anyway, he shared a story with me about the time he was playing football on a rainy night in high school. After the game everyone was muddy from tackling in the rain; he walked up to his father and said "look dad, I got nigger juice on me" disgusting right? Even worse, his father laughed and gave him a pat on the back. Just like that Eugene was gifted a burst of dopamine for being a fucking racist. That day along with many others Eugene was rewarded for meeting and sometimes exceeding the racism of his family. In his mind he was playing his own game to stay in good graces, but I think he was molded to be who he is.

Though it's something he feels immense guilt about, it has proven to be nearly impossible for him to shake off his upbringing. His friends share his family's beliefs and the media he consumes appeals to his racist sensibilities. Even though he detests the pattern, he can't divorce himself from the settings that perpetuate it. I don't talk to Eugene anymore because he sucks ass, but what he didn't do during our friendship was distance himself from anything that made him uncomfortable with himself. Why? Because he likes being liked and bigots/centrists like him. For him there's comfort in what he knows, he doesn't have to learn or be accosted for saying the wrong thing because the circles he frequents don't care about anything. He is the personification of refusing to challenge your environment when it's burning you up in the inside. Someone like Eugene is a person who will feel the full force of his unfavorable upbringing and make the conscious decision to stand 10 toes down quivering in the hell of a mindset he was raised in. I hate to make an analysis on Eugene, but it's clear that embracing any progressive thought would make his internal hell an external one.

I guess that brings us to the meat of the conversation. Why it's important to take the reins. I would never fix my fingers to tell parents that they shouldn't raise their kids the way they see fit, however, I am telling the kids and eventual adults that you are not the values your parents instill in you. There comes a time where it's imperative we figure out what we value as individuals. The situation doesn't have to be as severe as Eugene's, this still applies to the most tame of households. If there's anything I've learned in my 28 years it's that the insistence to be yourself should be radical. But it isn't self expression that needs to be radical, yet the process of exploring self, trial and error if you will. Speaking for myself, when I was first discovering who I wanted to be I needed the audacity to be wrong, to be poorly dressed, to be lost. What it leads to is a feeling of being self assured by way of exposure. Now that I've done that I no longer need to have a defensive nature around what I'm looking for because I'm no longer searching. Also don't get it twisted, I kept a lot of what my family taught me, the important part was questioning whether or not I truly valued it.

The idea of taking the reins is like a plot to a Disney sequel. There's a reason the idea is recycled in media, it's a fundamental part of life that I believe everyone is entitled to. Even in Christian environments we're taught that we may drift away from faith, only to someday return. Yes, even the church understands that wondering out of what you're taught is to be expected. Questioning and exploring are natural, also it's hot. Have a good weekend.